When I die, I want to reserve a large field -- Kansas, say -- and I want it roofed over, because I don't want a wet funeral. I want an honor guard from all five military branches, and a new branch created for the occasion and disbanded immediately thereafter. My casket should be made from the material of the Fortress of Solitude, filled with all my possessions and those of my neighbors, and it should be shot into space at the end of the ceremony. All living Nobel laureates should be present to pay their respects. The eulogy will be wriiten and scored for five-part harmony by Sufjan Stevens and sung by the Persuasions. The St Louis Symphony, conducted by Leonard Slatkin, will play a funeral mass specially discovered among the unpublished papers of Duke Ellington. A bountiful feast of my favorite foods will be prepared and ceremonially burnt. All attendant mourners will not cease from the business of mourning, which will include (but not be limited to) wailing, gnashing of teeth, and rending of garments. The leaders of all major nations will attend and declare everlasting peace; nations whose leaders shall be present will include Russia, China, India, Brazil, Germany, Great Britain, Canada, and Burkina Faso, because I like the name. A national holiday will be declared. No business will be conducted for two weeks following. Mass suicide in the face of the hopelessness of continuing without me will be discouraged but tolerated. Toads will rain. Ice will cover the earth.
Above all, it should be dignified. I hate ostentation.
RJ Johnson
I love it, but the comedy editor in me wants the the first line to read, "When I die, I want to you to get a large field..." and the last line to read, "Most of all, it should be reserved. I hate ostentation."
To my mind "dignified" is not the polar opposite to "ostentation" that "reserved" is.
Scraps
I have a different sense of it. I didn't use "reserved" (or "restrained," which was in the piece through a couple drafts) because it is too much the opposite. It's calling attention to what everyone already knows. "Dignified" is a little skewed but still ludicrous.
In fact, I'm fifty-fifty on cutting the last sentence.
"Dignified" is right; and I think the last sentence shoudl remain. There is always something to be said for the last tap on the nail that goes "thunk". But maybe "say, Kansas", rather than "Kansas, say". In any case, deliciously funny. You should send it to shouts and murmurs. They can't say worse than "no".
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