fear of dying

Posted on August 13th, 2010 by Scraps.
Categories: Recovery, Stuff.

"Dying isn't so bad," said Roger Ebert today; "it's getting sick and dying that's the hard part." It’s true. Having a stroke has a host of bad effects (he said mildly), but curing the fear of dying is a surprising blessing. I realized, very soon after almost dying, that, for me, the memory was not there; there was no bright light, no flash of recall, nothing. There was a fall in my apartment in front of Velma, and then I woke up a week later, my memories wiped. The main memory of dying was no memory. That was immensely soothing; I told my friends, if they were worried about me, dying was easy. It took me a while to realize that it was not me dying that they were worried about. The pain of the living is what the living are worried about. Me potentially dying was sorrowful, even horrifying (because it would have happened at 44); but what about Velma, who lived through my dying in front of her? Of course my dying was (theoretically) easy. Living goes on; that’s the hard part.

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