howl

Posted on November 19th, 2014 by Scraps.
Categories: Badness, Boring Posts, Life, Stuff.

I'm howling. Literally, I just spent fifteen minutes just howling. This is normal now; I just don't talk about it, except maybe I should.

I'm damaged, but Velma stuck with me. She understood me. Now she's gone. I'm alone. Every day, I'm silently in misery; I'm howling, but there's no one to hear, and even if there was, they'd leave (not that I'm mad about leaving; I'm grateful for every minute my friends and family spends with me).

I'm damaged. I'm alone. But mostly, Velma's gone. She's gone. We were going to spend the rest of our lives together, blissfully. We talked about what would happen if one of us died. It was an uncomfortable subject. I said, especially after the stroke, that I wasn't sure I could make it without her. That distressed her, and she always made me promise that I would at least try.

What reason should I live for? I know that eventually the hurt will ebb. But what should I live for?

I'm trying, Velma.

11 comments.

Alison Scott

Comment on November 20th, 2014.

I'm so sorry, Soren.

Jo Walton

Comment on November 20th, 2014.

Oh Soren, so hard, and so little anyone can possibly do or say. I'm listening, I care, I know how hard it is, and I wish I could help.

Patrizia

Comment on November 20th, 2014.

It's terribly hard.

I think you're the guardian of a legacy here. That's why you soldier on. I was reading over some of her LJ yesterday. It is remarkable stuff, even the little throwaway entries. Honestly, I think you -- or someone you trusted -- could edit it into a great memoir.

It's not the comfort of a living presence, I understand that.

But I didn't really know her and her words touched ME, and that's not a particularly easy thing to do. Her words can touch other people, too. She has a legacy. You're the guardian.

Anonymous

Comment on November 20th, 2014.

"What to live for" is a hard question, but when it's answered, it brings great rewards. The state of asking the question is very uncomfortable, it feels like it will never be answered. It's frequently answered in unexpected ways.

This sounds so platitudinous.

Luke McGuff

Comment on November 20th, 2014.

The above comment is from me, Luke.

Mark

Comment on November 20th, 2014.

Soren, Anytime you want to talk or howl, I'm happy to do so. We gave Velma a beautiful send off over on this coast. You always have a place to visit and hit the night over here. Maybe I can arrange a show somewhere near you this year as well. I know it's really dark right now. I hope you can feel the big hug I, and so many others are sending you. We can get through this and move on to wonderful things, all while embracing the memory of that amazing lady. Sending hope and good thoughts in your direction.
MAJ

Walter Ray

Comment on November 24th, 2014.

Howling is ok. But there is much else to do as well. I've been busy recently and beside work, only just able to keep up with what LJ and FB tossed at me. I tonight, just before Monday work week comes rushing over me, thought to see how Velma is doing. I'm still a bit stunned. Will reply more later.

Robert

Comment on July 18th, 2015.

Scraps, I'm very sorry to hear about Velma, especially at this late date.

Scraps

Comment on July 19th, 2015.

Robert, thank you.

Scraps

Comment on July 19th, 2015.

It's not ebbed, either. In fact, it's gotten worse.

Velma was one year and a fraction older that me. Therefore, I'm still younger than her; but getting closer.

Dusti

Comment on September 2nd, 2015.

Belated..
I only met Velma once. Knew her on LJ for years. I am still in active denial over all of this.
I wish I could help you not hurt.
- Dusti (Elionwyr)

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