parlando

excuse me?

Posted on January 15th, 2008 by Scraps.
Categories: Music, Words, Badness.

"The announcement was a surprise (if not an unexpected one)"

--John Bush at Allmusic, reviewing Orbital's Blue Album

0 comments.

another riff well past its pull date

Posted on December 14th, 2007 by Scraps.
Categories: Words, Badness, Comedy.

"I, for one, welcome our new [variable] overlords."

0 comments.

forty funny pictures, one awful artist

Posted on November 29th, 2007 by Scraps.
Categories: Badness, Stuff, Cartoons.

(via Making Light, via Yendi at LJ)

Progresive Boink's Forty Worst Rob Liefeld Drawings is a hilarious demolition job, leveling a target both deserving and inexplicably successful, allowing guilt-free pleasure in the invective:

The most important thing you need to know before reading about all the terrible things Rob Liefeld has drawn is that he has never seen or talked to a woman in his life and has no idea what they look like or how their bodies operate. If you asked Rob Liefeld to draw a diagram of the uterus he'd put on a pair of gauntlets and punch the shit out of your chalkboard. This is how the man operates, and though I know it sounds like a lot, you have to believe me. I don't want you looking at the stuff he's drawing and think he's a conscious adult male with a creative job who can and has influenced the minds of young artists. The man is a pair of blue jeans with a face. He has on a backwards cap, and when he turns it around, it's still backwards.

The examples truly need to be seen to fully comprehend the stupendous awfulness that for a time made Liefeld not just the most popular artist in comics but a pop culture celebrity. I am providing just a piece of a few panels here -- each of them is cut from a larger panel in the actual piece -- concentrating on amazing anatomical monstrosities. Comments in quotes are from the original piece; comments in italics are mine.

"Also of note: the fingers of Stryfe’s left hand here all taper down in size from index to pinkie, you know, as fingers do."	Because manly superheroes wear their pants extra tight.
"Check out Spider-Man swinging in on a jungle vine.  Jesus Christ Liefeld drew a dog’s hindquarters on him.  Just straight-up a dog’s ass and legs."	Not actually supposed to be an emaciated calf.
"I'm not an expert on anthropomorphism and I'm the last person to consult when it comes to sexualizing an animal lady, but is the tail supposed to come out of the middle of the butt cheek like that?"	Not actually supposed to be an amputated leg (despite the sword).
"How many teeth are in a mouth? Like a billion, right? I’ll just draw a billion, all the same size and shape."	Not actually supposed to be a free-floating thigh... wait, I think it is supposed to be a thigh. How long is that thing??

And much more.

4 comments.

crooned with no irony whatsoever

Posted on November 29th, 2007 by Scraps.
Categories: Music, Badness, Lyrics.

"Thanks for taking me on a one-way trip to the sun."

--Englebert Humperdinck, "After the Lovin'" (written by Richie Adams and Alan Bernstein)

2 comments.

thinking about what you say

Posted on November 17th, 2007 by Scraps.
Categories: Words, Badness, Editing.

I proofread ad copy yesterday -- copy I was not allowed to edit -- that said their product supplied "one of the most sought-after needs".

I think one of the dangers of ad copy writing -- apart from the fact that this copy appeared to have been written by a tech person without assistance from someone learned in grammar and punctuation -- is that it is so full of exaggeration and stock phrasery that it's easy, when in a hurry, to overlook that you have said nothing at all, or, worse, said something ludicrous.

1 comment.

i confess, you're an idiot

Posted on October 11th, 2007 by Scraps.
Categories: Words, Badness.

A reviewer at rateyourmusic.com:

i confess ... I just can't love something just 'cause I'm supposed to ... the most overrated album on RYM.

This isn't confessing, of course, it's bragging. "Oh, I know I'm terribly picky. It's one of my worst character flaws." And what a lame brag. "I think for myself! You can't make me like it! You herd-following hype-slaves!" It's condescension preemption, a transparent bid for the Cool High Ground. It's a dumb game, even when it's played better than this, but there sure are a lot of people who never outgrow it.

3 comments.

enough already

Posted on August 24th, 2007 by Scraps.
Categories: Music, Words, Badness.

Cutesy citing of example is played out. Or at least come up with your own clever phrase and let last years' threadbare favorites die. ("I'm looking at you" says hi!)

8 comments.

jargon rejection pile

Posted on June 12th, 2007 by Scraps.
Categories: Words, Badness.

Today's wretched neologism in my work email: webinar.

7 comments.

bad rhymes

Posted on March 9th, 2007 by Scraps.
Categories: Music, Lists, Badness.

The Wombat File is asking for everyone's worst song couplets of all time. Help out this worthy cause.

I would also like to collect here rhymes that are forbidden until further notice. At the top of my list is "use/abuse". Any word where you have a good shot at guessing the rhyme word before the next line starts is a possible contender. Hall of fame entry: "museum/see 'em".

15 comments.

varieties of cultural ignorance

Posted on March 2nd, 2007 by Scraps.
Categories: Words, Badness, Music Criticism.

Colin Harper, the writer of the liner notes for the reissue of Bert and John by Bert Jansch and John Renbourn, begins with:

From the strangely compelling cover shot, of two young men playing some now unfathomable board game in a half darkened room on a sunny day, oblivious to the camera, to the total idiosyncrasy of the music inside, Bert and John is an album with an atmosphere all its own.

The now-unfathomable board game in the cover shot is Go.

7 comments.

self-awareness is not sufficient. you have to want to change.

Posted on January 31st, 2007 by Scraps.
Categories: Words, Badness.

I know that my overuse of the m-dash bracketed parenthetical phrase is no longer just a tic and has become a full-fledged flaw in my style. Yet I can't stop -- if anything, the problem only worsens as I age -- as discursiveness seems increasingly to become an end in itself, an aesthetic choice to be pursued regardless of meaning, a crotchet, a crutch, a mere mannerism. At least I'm no longer in imminent danger of succumbing to semicolon poisoning.

5 comments.

bad actor

Posted on January 31st, 2007 by Scraps.
Categories: Badness, Stuff, Media.

I don't watch television if I can help it, especially serial drama, which is so calcified as a form -- even Joss Whedon, yes -- that exposure to its predictable plot arcs and hammy acting and stunted dialogue is like sandpaper on my brain. (I have tried over the years to not sound like a snot about this. Just for the record, I am not trying to pretend this is an objective judgment, or to say anything about anyone else's appreciation of televised serial drama. I just can't fucking stand it, and the less I see of it the worse it is when I see it.)

Even by the standards of my completely negative attitude toward the whole form, though, I was surprised last night, while watching Law & Order: Criminal Intent at the bar (a series of shows I gather has a good reputation, which confirms my feelings about the form, because it was cringingly badly written and its plot was simple-minded when it wasn't absurd) at what a laughably bad actor Vincent D'Onofrio is. He has William Shatner's vocal delivery, only even more parodically; there really is no syntactic or emotional sense to when he pauses in a phrase. But in addition, he is ludicrously physical, twitching, swaying, making pointless finger movements, again at seemingly random intervals, like he's reached into a grab bag of gestures and sprinkled them through his acting for extra flavor. The swaying in particular was making me crack up. He was a relief, so bad that he made the ordinary badness of the show almost bearable.

I suppose I'm going to find out he's an Emmy winner.

13 comments.

gah

Posted on January 22nd, 2007 by Scraps.
Categories: Words, Badness, Music Criticism.

Today I read a review of an album that the writer praised as "nigh on worthy of rejoicing over".

6 comments.

bad writing, allmusic division (a continuing series)

Posted on January 15th, 2007 by Scraps.
Categories: Words, Badness, Music Criticism.

I hadn't encountered the byline Kelvin Hayes before. Here he is, effusing over Do-Re-Mi's Domestic Harmony:

A record of sturdy resonance which keeps faith with their indie roots and tittered on the verging mega-sales, which in the end never came. Nestling between Dorland Bray's punchy drumming, Stephan Philip's nifty guitar hooks, and Helen Carter's wonderful bass work lies one of Australia's finest if not the world's most powerful female voices -- Deborah Conway. Domestic is indeed just that in sound and lyric. "Theme From Uncle Jim" sounds a little tawdry now but it's followed by some of the best examples of Aussie rock from that period; "After the Volcano" and "Idiot Grin" both exude a fresh jangly guitar sound married to rock prowess. The result resides somewhere between the Church and INXS. Their biggest hit, "Man Overboard," features the words "penis envy," which got it banned in the U.K. More startling -- it isn't even the best track. Further wonderment and for those seeking an altogether Aussie sound should hear "New Tabboos" and "1000 Mouths"; great for air drumming also.

I think you could randomly replace all the adjectives and adverbs and it wouldn't be any worse. (A MadLib-proof piece of writing!) Never mind the utter emptiness of the description, if that's the word I'm groping for -- I have no idea what this band sounds like, other than "fresh [what?] jangly guitar sound" and "somewhere between the Church and Inxs", two bands with little in common other than being rock bands from Sydney -- what I want to know is, who is editing this? Erlewine can write -- most of Allmusic's writers aren't bad -- so how does this ineptitude pass? The first and last sentences alone should disqualify this piece for a high school newspaper: phrases like "tittered on the verging mega-sales" and "Further wonderment and for those seeking an altogether Aussie sound should hear" aren't just banal or dumb, they are broken.

5 comments.

mystical horsefeathers

Posted on January 7th, 2007 by Scraps.
Categories: Words, Badness.

My initial interest, several years ago, in early music was complicated by my hatred of the "new age" movement, which had latched on to Olde Musick sometime after moving on from Windham Hill and harmonic singing as pretty music for the empty mind to blissfully meditate upon.*

Well, lately I've been teaching myself the history of early (Western) music. The field has broadened considerably, and now seems to be dominated by increasingly expert serious musicians, approaching the music more historically than spiritually. It doesn't mean their interpretations are any less inspired, but it does mean their liner notes tend to be free of blurts like this (from 1994 BMG Hildegard von Bingen cd Canticles of Ecstasy):

Experience enlightened inspiration and divine introspection through the music of Hildegard von Bingen -- the original medieval mystic. Performed to perfection by Sequentia, Canticles of Ecstasy transports the listener to an enchanted world of spiritual bliss.

*It's not the music's fault.

7 comments.

bad writing, allmusic division (a continuing series)

Posted on December 31st, 2006 by Scraps.
Categories: Music, Badness, Music Criticism.

Lindsay Planer of Allmusic -- I pick on Allmusic a fair amount because I use them as a resource a lot, so I feel compelled to note that they are a fine resource and that most of their writing isn't bad -- is an adherent, a subscriber, a practitioner, a follower of the Thesaurus School of Bad Criticism:

Joining Brubeck are Paul Desmond (alto sax), Bob Bates (bass), and Joe Dodge (drums), whose support of Brubeck is uniformly flawless, ultimately producing what many consider as the most memorable music in the artist's cannon [sic]. "Balcony Rock" commences the platter from sides documented at the University of Michigan in Ann Arbor. The heavily improvised tune is formed on an eight-bar blues as Desmond steers the combo via his inspired and lyrical leads. The bouncy "Out of Nowhere," comes via a show at the University of Cincinnati and centers on Brubeck's uncanny timing as his passages quickly vacillate between edgy and atonal to decidedly more fluid and melodic. Again, Desmond is nothing short of exemplary as his sax weaves around the rhythm section. "Le Souk" hails from Oberlin College in Ohio and provides Desmond another strong vehicle. His lines tie Bates' prominent propulsions together with Dodge's solid backbeat and Brubeck's similarly aggressive bashing. This takes place behind Brubeck's emphatic and frenetic pounding and garners considerable appreciation by those in attendance. The sturdy bop supporting Duke Ellington's "Take the 'A' Train" is given further fuel thanks to the combination of Desmond's straightforward and unfettered blows and Dodge's punchy interjections. "The Song Is You" is a minor masterpiece as Desmond's efforts resonate his exceptional fluidity. In fact, practically the whole track is marked by his cool, limber phrasing, with Brubeck taking the helm only briefly at the end. The refined and stately reading of "Don't Worry 'Bout Me" reaches far beyond the blues intimated by the sense of forlorn in Brubeck's contributions, thanks to the simple if not austere arrangement. The converse can be said regarding the striking energy of "I Want to Be Happy" as the band leans in hard with a purpose and finesse that can be eloquently summed up in the final phrase as all four members seemingly draw the song to a dynamic and dramatic conclusion. Indeed the genre gets schooled on Jazz Goes to College, a (dare say) perfect representation of the Dave Brubeck Quartet's pre-Time Out (1959) antics in the preferable concert performance setting.

I love this kind of prose. What kind of ear thinks "commences the platter from sides documented" is better than "begins the album with songs recorded"? "Platter" alone should get Planer's typing privileges suspended for a week. His mindless synonym-flinging is bad enough, but his syntax is worse: "his passages quickly vacillate between edgy and atonal to decidedly more fluid and melodic" and "a (dare say) perfect representation of the Dave Brubeck Quartet's pre-Time Out (1959) antics in the preferable concert performance setting", for example, show that he can't manage the selection or placement of conjunctions (between...to), parenthetical interpolations, or adjectives (preferable) without botching the meaning. "Antics" is just the cherry on top.

It's hard to choose a favorite awful phrase -- "'Le Souk' hails from Oberlin College", "prominent propulsions", "garners considerable appreciation", "Desmond's efforts resonate his exceptional fluidity", "intimated by the sense of forlorn" -- but my choice for the standout sentence, displaying all of Planer's stylistic pimples, is the penultimate one:

The converse can be said regarding the striking energy of "I Want to Be Happy" as the band leans in hard with a purpose and finesse that can be eloquently summed up in the final phrase as all four members seemingly draw the song to a dynamic and dramatic conclusion.

This is why I'll always treasure sincere bad writing over the exercises in the Bulwer-Lytton contest: You just can't write this badly on purpose. Another page could be written about this sentence alone, but I'll settle for pointing out the beautiful grace note of "seemingly". That's the kind of touch that will always be missing from deliberate bad writing. Where did "seemingly" come from? What was he trying to accomplish with it? No one with an ear can tell you.

17 comments.

a parade of ugh

Posted on December 18th, 2006 by Scraps.
Categories: Words, Badness.

Gawker has compiled a fine, annotated list of online writing cliches. To their list I would add a brace of played-out non-Simpsons cultural references; heading the list right now would be "Anyone? Bueller?"

3 comments.

bad writing, allmusic division

Posted on November 23rd, 2006 by Scraps.
Categories: Words, Badness, Music Criticism.

I continue to be astonished, given the general usefulness of Allmusic and the decent quality of most of their appraisals, at the awfulness of the worst writing on their site.  Here's a byline I hadn't encountered, Kim Summers, on Samantha Sang:

A one-hit wonder from the late 70s, Samantha Sang made her professional singing debut because of Barry Gibb and Maurice Gibb.

Born in Australia in 1953, Samantha Sang entered the music world in 1978 singing "Emotion." Unfortunately for the singer this would be her only pop rock hit. The song was written by the popular songwriting duo Barry and Maurice Gibb, who also had their own band, the Bee Gees. The song "Emotion" was on the album of the same name. Besides this song the album included favorites from other well-known 70s soft and pop rock singers. Hits included Eric Carmen's "Change of Heart," Denny Rendell's "You Keep Me Dancing" and Arty Simon's "But If She Moves You." The Bee Gees also had two of their hits, "Charade" and "Love Of A Woman" on the album. Samantha Sang has also provided backup vocals for artists such as David Wolfert, Francis Lai and Carole Bay Sager.

Although only popular from her "Emotion" song, Samantha Sang is a very talented vocalist. In 1996 "Emotion" was on the Bee Gees album release Soul of the Bee Gees. She also performed background vocals for Eric Carmen's Definitive Collection. Despite the fact that Samantha Sang has only one solo song to her credit, she has taken the music industry by storm, performing with such singing groups as the Bee Gees and Eric Carmen.

Also, she has worked with the Gibb brothers, aka the Bee Gees.

4 comments.

things in writing that unreasonably irritate me

Posted on October 28th, 2006 by Scraps.
Categories: Words, Badness, Editing.

You know how people use "one" to coyly mention a famous person?  "Released in 1960, it featured guitar work by the two brothers, as well as harmonica played by one Bob Dylan."

I hate that.

2 comments.

flatulent prose, philosophical division

Posted on October 28th, 2006 by Scraps.
Categories: Words, Musicians, Badness.

Friends are essays. Enthusiastic creatures in their worlds, laid out to read like chapters over spirits in a corner tavern. I am entertained by the way our lives juxtapose, leaping day in and day out threading through multifarious plots and portrayals of love, hate, happiness and sadness. We decorate ourselves with a pretense of courage, showering in inner apprehension. Can we really be hopeful and trust that our dearest friends will pacify our sorrows? The appeal is steady. The reality may be merely an apparition. A haze which envelopes our hope. One must learn to appreciate the benefits of solitariness. Sequestered away to ponder. To meditate and evolve so the boundaries of suffering narrow. To be able to invert the heady demon and endure, is to become as saintly as one could hope for in this mortal coil. Constant dependence is the most deadly expenditure. The key to reason is executive thought. The achieving road lies just ahead.

--Michael A. Mazzarella, leader of the band the Rooks, from the tray notes to their eponymous cd. These words are given a page of their own.

(Yes, the spelling of "envelopes" is per the original text, as is the word "solitariness".)

My first reaction to prose like this is that the writer is beyond help. His tone is pompous but earless, ponderous but pratfalling with nearly every lurch from phrase to phrase, a hippotamus wallowing in whoopee cushions. He is equally enamored of the stock phrase and the big vague abstraction, because he imagines that the stock phrase elevates his tone ("in this mortal coil") and that speaking of abstractions means he is talking deep. His metaphors are empty when they aren't outright hilarious ("showering in inner apprehension"). His verbs are imprecise ("invert the heady demon", "pacify our sorrows") or meaninglessly colorful ("leaping day in and day out threading through multifarious plots"). His observations are imbecilic ("The reality may be merely an apparition", "Constant dependence is the most deadly expenditure") and trite ("the benefits of solitariness"). He switches from "we" to "one" without appearing to notice. It's all gas; even by the standards of gas, he can't keep his balloon inflated, letting it all out with a braaaaaaap ("I am entertained by the way our lives juxtapose", "The key to reason is executive thought"). I've left some phrases alone, but the whole thing is bad; the only sentence that can be defended in isolation is the first one, and it has nothing to do with the conclusion. For that matter, you can take any sentence in this mess, compare it to one three sentences away, and only know they came from the same piece by the smell.

I don't think this writer can be saved; his self-delight is too evident, his tone immaculately awful. I wonder, though, whether writing like this can be used to teach students about errors of tone. I sometimes think that tone is so much a matter of ear and of taste -- of being able to hear the bad note, or smell the unintentional vulgarity -- that it can't be taught; you have to be born with at least a measure of it, and develop it. But I'm not a teacher, so I am curious about the experience of teachers in trying to teach it -- or in, god help them, teaching students who write like the above.

0 comments.

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