sometimes i forget what i write completely

Posted on October 30th, 2014 by Scraps.
Categories: Comedy, Literary Criticism, Memory, Words.

I read various music blogs, some of them on Blogger. Today I was looking up another person's bio, and I realized that I probably had a Blogger bio, because I had a picture - but I hadn't looked at it in ages. Probably before my stroke.

So I looked. And I did have a bio (the same one that I have here); but I also had a aborted blog: Another Thick Square Blog, which is a great name for a blog, and I shouldn't have punted it. And there was one post, dated 10 April 2008:

Always scribble, scribble, scribble, eh, Mr Gibbon? Scribble scribble scribble Mr Gibbon Gibbon Gibbon. Scribblin' gibbon. Can you say that, Mr Gibbon? Eh? Scribblin' scribblin' scribblin' gibblon. It's a bit of a tongue workout, eh, Mr Gibbon? Mr Gibblon gabblin' gobblin' Gibbon. Eh? Eh? You're a good sport Mr Gibbon, I always say. Thanks for the book.

I don't think I took a Blogger blog seriously....


sam? footnote.

Posted on February 23rd, 2014 by Scraps.
Categories: Comedy, Media, Sports, Stuff.

I sent a tweet to Andrew Sharp -- the Grantland guy who sometimes writes hilarious, awful "attempt[s] to write the worst sports column on earth" under the hashtag #HotSportsTakes (a parody -- I assume -- of the dim Skip Bayless and Stephen A. Smith columns on ESPN):

Soren deSelby Bowen ‏@ScrapsDeSelby
@andrewsharp I'm waiting for a #HotSportsTakes about J Collins, outmaneuvering M Sam: now Collins will make history, and Sam? Footnote. :-)

(Oh, I hope somebody will be stupid enough to say it. Because many people will think it. And if people will say it {out loud}, you can bet they will use the "political correctness" defense. (Silent 25% nixon majority: solemn agreement, solemn agreement.)


g md fraser addendum

Posted on January 5th, 2014 by Scraps.
Categories: Books, Comedy, Short Stories, Words, Writers.

I forgot one thing in my "review"! I couldn't understand half of the Scots lingo. It was funny, but sometimes I was very lost, and MacNeill's commentary didn't clear it up at all. I'll bet that in America it was never published. (My editions are Pan.) Fraser in the introduction to the second book he says diffidently that lots of people begged for a glossary, so he provides a skimpy one. I think it helped in two or three places. Oh well.


very, very tired

Posted on October 15th, 2013 by Scraps.
Categories: Comedy, Headlinese, Media, Words.

Album titles (or headlines) playing on "Straight Outta ________".


kyle petty, moron

Posted on August 6th, 2013 by Scraps.
Categories: Comedy, Sports, Words.

Now, it's not me who said that; it's Denny Hamlin.

(Who's Kyle Petty and Denny Hamlin? Hamlin is a NASCAR driver, and Petty is a ex-driver, now employed by Fox Sports as an analyst.)

Kyle Petty admits he was wrong about Hamlin in this particular case (and it doesn't matter to my post). But Petty does not apologize for voicing his opinions:

"Sometimes I find myself the lone dissenting voice in this sea of political correctness, and I don't think everything has to be politically correct. Facts are facts, and honestly, it's just my opinion. I don't think that any of us -- me, Kyle Petty, media, the drivers, NASCAR, track owners, we aren't all right all the time. We don't all live in a utopian society where everything is perfect. There are things that need to be examined, that need to be called out, and I seem to be the only one that says it. That's the only way I've always been. It's just my opinion. It's just my question. Its questions that have to be asked. Just as it's their job to go out and drive the race car and do what they do, it's not our job to ask if they went fishing or went to the Bahamas and just ask the fluff. It's our responsibility to inform the fan base.''

Isn't he great? Let's give Kyle Petty a big hand!


you can't make these up

Posted on November 30th, 2010 by Scraps.
Categories: Comedy, Editing, Pedantry, Words.

I am reading the whole Paris Review interview section, entire, from the 1950s to the present, which they have generously put up online. Right now I am reading the interview with Dorothy Parker. I wasn't familiar with the name Perle Mesta, so I looked her up.

Quoting Wikipedia: "Mesta was known as the 'hostess with the mostest [sic]'."

I guess they were worried about their knowledge of the English language.


"what happened to the bangles?": old post from the well #41, 31 jul 00

Posted on April 13th, 2010 by Scraps.
Categories: Comedy, Musicians, Old Posts, Words.

Debbi converted to Zoroastrianism and distributes leaflets in Fresno bus shelters. Vicki has returned to her first love, waitressing. Michael is a lobster fisher in the Maritimes. Susanna was carried off by a twister.


"date match":old post from the well #40, 8 aug 98

Posted on April 12th, 2010 by Scraps.
Categories: Badness, Comedy, Old Posts, Words.

Looking for a man who "walks to a different drummer," "takes the road less traveled," and isn't afraid to say the emperor's naked, even when it isn't "politically correct." Are you my "free thinker"?


"lines you rarely read in reviews": old post from the well, #38, 7 sep 02

Posted on April 7th, 2010 by Scraps.
Categories: Comedy, Literary Criticism, Music Criticism, Old Posts, Words.

While my opinion runs counter to the critical consensus, it has nothing to do with unusual bravery and insight on my part, or cowardice and conventionality on the part of my colleagues. I'm just a bit odd.


"i'm thinking of a movie" (old post from the well, #37, 5 oct 01)

Posted on April 5th, 2010 by Scraps.
Categories: Comedy, Movies, Old Posts, Words.

There are no bats in this movie.

No one sucks a potato through a straw.

Neither the best boy nor the gaffer ever worked with Trent Lott.

Astrology plays no meaningful role.

Queen Victoria expressed no known opinion regarding this film.

No vehicle of mass conveyance plunges over a cliff.

The credits were not signaled in morse code by Bill Robinson.

There is no mysterious pattern of hair loss among the cast members.

The screenwriter did not go on to a successful career in politics.

There are no scenes in courtrooms, mining pits, or abattoirs.

Nothing Pauline Kael has said is likely to change anyone's mind about this film.

If you cut this film into millimeter-wide strips and strung them all together, it would not reach the moon.

The plot does not turn on a deathbed confession about the oatmeal.

The film never made the American Legion's censorship list.

It is no more nutritious than most films. Probably less.

I don't remember whether mumblety-peg occurs, but it is of no great importance.

If the male lead were dropped on your foot, it would hurt.

It was not filmed in feel-o-rama.

You can't roller-skate in a buffalo herd.

Any resemblance to actual persons living or dead is all in your head, as usual.

It is not NORMAN... IS THAT YOU?

1 comment.

old post (from the well) #35, 25 feb 03

Posted on March 24th, 2010 by Scraps.
Categories: Comedy, Old Posts, Words.

People describe me as odd, different, strange, a bit touched. That's their way of saying I'm a bizarroid. Sometimes they call me unusual or weird, in which case what they mean is I'm truly mental. When they want to say that I'm certifiable, instead they call me bugfuck, gonzo, waaaaay out there man. But when they describe me as deviant, atypical, outlandish, irregular, mutated, off-the-wall, kooky, loony, wacky, unorthodox, not all there, screwy, unconventional, offbeat, goony, unstable, wayward, and flaky, that's when I know that they think, deep down and after all is said and done, that I'm just a bit predictable.


old post (from the well) #33, 18 may 00

Posted on March 13th, 2010 by Scraps.
Categories: Comedy, Media, Music, Old Posts, Words.

I am now the publisher of the Sonicnet front page every morning. So I figure I'm getting paid to not write my own headlines:






old post (from the well) #30, 15 jul 97

Posted on March 12th, 2010 by Scraps.
Categories: Comedy, Old Posts, Words.

Whenever I hear the word "fail" I reach for my revolver.

1 comment.

old post #25, 12 jul 01

Posted on March 3rd, 2010 by Scraps.
Categories: Comedy, Old Posts, Words.

Also, and I don't know a gentler way of saying this, B.R. Myers is not the writer Mark Twain was. --rbr on the Well

A few gentler ways of saying Myers isn't the writer that Twain was:

1: Myers isn't the writer Twain was. (But then, who is?)

2: Myers, while a fine writer in many ways, is not the towering giant of literature that Twain was.

3: Twain -- and I don't want to overstate this, because after all Myers is young and history may judge him kindly -- was a great writer, of course, while Myers has yet to establish his possible greatness.

4: Without wishing to dismiss your comparison out of hand, or discount its relevance to the argument, I think it's worth pointing out that Twain is a great writer, and Myers is, perhaps, slightly less than great.

5: I appreciate your point regarding Mark Twain; thank you for bringing it to the table. It certainly can be said that Mark Twain's famous attack on Cooper is similar in some ways to the BR Myers piece. We would be remiss not to acknowledge that. However, I think that it is also worth noting that Mark Twain is a great writer, and that his stylistic and rhetorical skills may have much to do with the success of his Cooper piece; while Myers, though able and worthy, lacks some of Twain's vigor, concision, and insight.

6: Myers isn't the writer Twain was, IMHO.


old post #23, 3 jun 97

Posted on March 2nd, 2010 by Scraps.
Categories: Comedy, Old Posts, Words.

(My entry in a "literary commercial" contest.)

When I was one-and-twenty
I heard a wise man say
'Think well upon your future:
Your life will end someday.

Stash pearls away and rubies,
Embrace security.'
But I was one-and-twenty,
No use to talk to me.

When I was one-and-twenty
I heard him say again,
'A State Farm Family Policy
Was never bought in vain;
'Tis paid in small installments,
And buys you easy sleep
Till you are one-and-ninety
And buried six feet deep.'

--"A.E. Housman"


lies about brad jones (old post #14, jan-jun 97)

Posted on February 15th, 2010 by Scraps.
Categories: Comedy, Old Posts, Untruths, Words.

Brad Jones was actually born Brad Bowie, but changed his name to avoid confusion with Brad Buoy, the inventor of the liferaft.

Brad Jones is feared in seven languages.

Brad Jones is responsible for all ska band names. He is still looking for bands willing to shoulder the names "Ska of the Antarctic," "The Skashank Redemption," and "F. Ska Fitzgerald."

A careless whisper of "Brad Jones" in the wrong alley could lead to the death of innocents.

Brad Jones will be down from 5 to 6AM for routine maintenance, following which it will no longer be permissible to disturb his routine.

If Brad Jones had been born a girl, his parents were going to name him Cleopatra.

Brad Jones plays without a cup. His opponents think it just makes him scarier.

If Brad Jones were granted three wishes, he'd wish for three more, but only three, because hey, be reasonable.

Remember that to Brad Jones and his people, a smile is an expression of hostility. If you wish to express your affection for Brad Jones, rub the top of his head.

If Brad Jones could only tell stories, the stories he could tell.

Brad Jones shot the sixth, seventh, and eighth Beatles.

Brad Jones is my brother, yet he's heavy.

In time, everything will be true of Brad Jones.


statistics (old post #13, 15 feb 00)

Posted on February 14th, 2010 by Scraps.
Categories: Comedy, Old Posts, Untruths, Words.

There are more Brazilians in Brussells than there are in Sao Paulo.

There are forty-seven words for "Abba" in Swedish.

Shouting "Bronco Nagurski!" while leaping from the shower to bed in a single bound is responsible for 90% of accidents in the home.

Left-handed people are disproportionately represented in Benetton ads.


old post #12, 17 apr 96

Posted on February 14th, 2010 by Scraps.
Categories: Comedy, Lists, Old Posts, Untruths, Words.

I taught Madonna to eat, sleep, drink, breathe, ride trains, open envelopes, file taxes late without penalty, drop heavy objects from tall buildings, execute perfect triple axels, throw darts accurately with either hand, compensate for the distorting effects of rear-view mirrors, cheat, fly (with or without wings), sprint backwards, extract revenge with no chance of prosecution but with full knowledge of the victim, open child-proof packages effortlessly, play accordion while retaining her friends, tighten belts, loosen sockets, chew gum in a beguiling working-class manner, groan convincingly, belch like a lady, construct origami pets of every genus, pop corn in her mouth, lead oppressed south americans to freedom, defend a field hockey goal mouth, swim, dropkick, shimmy in a corset, tap the zeitgeist in her dreams, and die in her sleep.

In return, she taught me to relax. Ahhhhhhhh.


old post #5, 23 jun 96

Posted on February 9th, 2010 by Scraps.
Categories: Comedy, Words.

A: Knock knock.

B: Who's there?

A: Interrupting Magritte.

B: Interrupting Ma--

A: This is not a joke.

1 comment.

old post #1, 26 sep 96

Posted on February 6th, 2010 by Scraps.
Categories: Comedy, Old Posts.

[i'm going to post lots of old stuff, because i'm still learning to be me again.]

Hey, I've never introduced myself. I'm Scraps, but my true name is Lancelot St. Goodfellow, and I work for the New York Department of Public Spectacle as a cheese grater. In my spare time I throw pillows and conjugate verbs. Someday I hope to build a rope bridge to the future and walk across it on my elbows. I like fuzzy fruit and bald hamsters, and I hate people who are deaf or otherwise unable to pay attention to me. The sick ground chuck drops other the lazy fog. Selah!


Older »

  • Going through people's closet shelves
    to see if it's what we'd hide ourselves
    - Scott Miller
  • Next Page »